(this is a part of a continuing series... I guess you need to read back a few).

... But the question still lingers... what do I think of the existence of a higher being? Well... let's move on to my thoughts on existence and I'll get back to you.

The more I learn, the more I wonder about who I am. I'm sure that is natural... but being a chemist (biochemist?) I'm starting to see myself on so many levels of abstraction. I'm a person, one of a society, made up of a range of organs made up of cells, made up of organelles, molecules, molecular building blocks, atoms, subatomic particles. My actions, thoughts feelings are, on some level nothing more then favorable chemical reactions and synaptic shuffling and on an even lower level the superpositions of lots of probability spaces and quantum interactions. So where do I fit in. What makes me consider myself a complete person. The book A Minds I, provides a pretty comprehensive look at this from various thought-provoking standpoints but I'm not here to repeat it. For me, its a classic "sum is greater than its parts" thing... the question being how many parts do I have to sum? So my existence is really just a lot of quantum states... or is it?

A quick divergence to the existence of fictional characters (Movie goers and general public: think, "The Matrix", for a better reference, if you've read Sophie's World, that's more what I'm talking about.). I firmly believe that fictional characters exist. That is why writers and in particular Tolkien are so amazing to me... they can create universes in their heads, and bring existence to things otherwise unmade. The question is then, are we just some words on a page penned by a higher order being? I don't know. Or may we be just quantum-level calculations by some higher order computer program?

So how does this reflect on my opinons of whether there is a higher being? Well, there might be... the author, so it would be, of the book of the universe. Also, the language of biochemistry strongly suggests that there is a fundemental belief in a higher being... "... enzymes were designed to... " for example. But then again... they try really hard to explain everything as being possible through evolution... It's all a source of great puzzlement to me.

... ok... That said... I'm taking a break...

Next installment.... the longest maybe, will be more coherent.

--C.

Ack.. I'm waxing philosophical. I don't know if that's a good thing... but these thoughts keep running rampant through my head and keeping me from functioning normally. (Well sleeping and carrying out conversation.)

I'll be summarizing my basic beliefs below, I guess... as I try to sort them out in my own head.

To make this comprehensible to everyone who is not me ... I'll break this up: I have a belief system based basically on my thoughts on religion, my thoughts on existance and my thoughts on behaviour (moral philosophy). I guess I'll start with my opinion of religion and work from there... People with strong religious views are cautioned.

Religion.

Firstly, I'm not religious. That is not to say I don't believe in God, or some other higher power, nor am I agnostic really, nor that I DO believe in such a being, but that I don't subscribe to an established religion. There are two fundamental reasons.
One, I want to be able to communicate with the whole world. That is to say, I think it may be easier to understand other people and to empathize with them (on a philosophical level) if you aren't clouded by your own religious beliefs and you can be more receptive to what they have to say. I'm not saying everyone should do this but that it's really important to me personally. Plus it feels like if I take up a religion now, I'd be spurning (at the least) 60% of the world's population.
Two, I find that I'm not religious in my personal definition. What is religion, for me? Well I think of religion as a kind of support, a rock (to use the Christian analogy) that people can turn to when life needs meaning. Like their faith that a higher order is there to hold them up when they fall or that there is inherent justice in the world or whatever. And so as a litmus test, I thought, well what do I use for support and what gives my life meaning? And after much introspection... and this was hard... I decided that it would be my friends first... They've been (and I have faith that they will continue to be) extremely supportive in this time of inner turmoil... and then my family... and lastly, myself (that I know at the very least my cells will continue to do their little thing.. and the atoms will still exist). Meaning in life for me is derived from other people. If I were to only person left in the universe I'd rather be dead. But for me, making others happy is key.

So that's my take on religion...

Oh and I want to add that my friends (and in particular Jim van Deventer) are the best people in the world and they are ridiculously patient about listening to me rant and reflect.

--C.

Ok one more blog... cus I have a lot of stuff on my mind right now and it really helps to write it down.

I've been having weird dreams lately and its been keeping me up at night. I don't know what they mean and it's really bizarre. So I might be rambling because I'm not sleeping enough anymore... (although I'm still sleeping more that I usually do at school).

Firstly, I feel so incompetent... It's really sad actually. My one main nightmare (and it dominates my thinking whenever I'm in a pensive mood) is that I'm not doing enough of the right thing. For example, when that guy in WV (thanks, mike) won $300M, I wondered what I would do with the money. I'd like to think that I would give it all to organizations and people that mean a lot to me, Phi Psi, APhiO, my parents, my friends, various schools and charities... anyone who is needy I guess... but I'm constantly afraid that I won't be strong enough to do that. That I, in a moment of weakness, would splurge some significant portion on myself. And I feel so guilty inside... it's traumatic.

And I get these dreams where I find I could save someone's life, a friend, a relative... but I just can't... like I could barely reach and if only I were a little taller, had a little more time, worked out a little more, or were a little smarter, I could do it... and I can't. It's been happening a lot lately, I don't know why... and I'm always afraid that someone I know is going to be in an accident soon... and that I could have warned them if I'd been able to understand my dreams. Or that someone is upset and I can't work out what is wrong and keep saying the wrong things... if I'd only been a better listener or paid more attention to them...

It might be because I'm separated from everyone except my parents that I feel this helpless but still.. I've been unable to sleep at night... And I often wish I could just be someone's gaurdian angel... just so I could sit on their shoulder and be there if they get in trouble.

And I guess I'm still worried about what my purpose in life is and where I'm going with it all... because I don't know whether to work hard at school now and maybe neglect others or the reverse and maybe not be as beneficial to society in the future. And I have a need to give things to other people... to make me feel like I am at leat helping some people ... only I worry that its not what they want/need and that I'm too blind to see what they want...

And I'm often confused and lost and uncertain... which is frightening.

--C.

... continued from below.

In summary, I'd say, I learned a lot. 1) Someone up there knew that I wanted to make my life into a living hell and blessed me with the best, the most supportive friends He could find so that I'd be ok. 2) Sleep is for the weak. I am weak, but I'm sure as hell not going to show it. 3) I'm stupid but at least I have smart friends who can tell me all the answers and not laugh at me. (And Jim and Mark and Mark and Chris who somehow still like me.) 4) Getting up at 4am hurts ... a LOT. That's why I do it so often. 5) Smiling, and laughing with friends are the two best things in the world.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

It's pretty interesting that, as a world-wide communal (ok, at least for the part of the world that uses the gregorian calendar) holiday, New Years doesn't feel at all like some communal happy this year. The world's on the brink of war and my life has pretty much gone to hell.

Quick year in review: (The memorable stuff)

Winterskol (Snow, tubing, actually having somewhere to sleep). ChemE120A Study sessions (BSL, being hysterical at 3AM, the infamous 25-hour problem sets). CS106A Final project (Jim Van Deventer is a God and Chris Bruner is a saint). The Shad Shrine (oh the horror, the funky horror). Social dance (I suck and I'm not afraid to admit it). Spring break (Going home, cooped up for days, much jetlag... not enough sleep). Screw Your Roommate (Three girls, two guys... choices, choices). Working on Comm169 and winning and feeling pretty much like a loser all 'round. CA Surprise (and the excesses...) Commencement (and running around looking for graduating CAs). Mad dash UHaul move (into summer digs). Summer housing (and Flo Mo food which I really want to forget... and Justin and Grace, my uber-nice roommate and gf). A2dLife... (boy was that shortlived... but fun). Summer job (Making the drugs...). Orientation week (Frosh, and a lot of names). Tutoring... (I'm being PAID to do this?). Rushing PhiPsi (Why did I not do this before?). Studying in the ChemE triple (and sleeping there and eating there... and actually learning stuff and getting the homework right and biking there at 4AM). ChemE 170, 150A, 185A projects (and Mark Gebhard is the best partner ever). 185A (and how that class honestly tried to kill me). My brithday (since when did I get so many friends? I love you all!!). Epiphany (I like biochemistry?) On, and off, and on, and off vegetarianism (currently off). Finals week (and wanting to kill myself and the onset of supreme apathy.). Giving presents (and having my own little Christmas). Coming home (it felt more like going into house arrest). Thinking about the future (what the hell am I doing with my life??). Non-christmas at home (you know, I don't even want to think about it).

... continued above.

And finally... the last part....

Lastly, the pencil.
4) Faber-Castell's Grip 2001 (I think that's what it's called). Again no link.
You'd think there is no improving on the classic pink eraser, yellow #2 pencil (except those cedar ones which smell so great when you sharpen them). Well here's something quite innovative (I think). An artists-quality pencil with a built-in grip that you can sharpen. This pencil is silver and has little (about 1-mm) dots along the length of it that are rubberized. This and the ergonomic triangular shape makes it really really comfortable to hold. And the textured dots are quite striking -- although they don't get in the way at all when sharpening. Like any real artist's pencil there's no eraser at the end. They cost as much as a box of regular art store pencils and are well worth getting. Now if they only came in cedar...

--C.

Cool Stuff... continued. (in parts... because blogger hates me.)

2) Cross Pens
These are really cool pens (link lets you see them in 3D).
Now I know there are 4 pens on that page... yeah yeah, so sue me. But they are all really neat in their own little ways. I actually own the "ion" which is neat because it's small enough to attach comfortably to your keychain and you pull out to extend the writing part. I've also heard great things about the morph pen... although I've never had one... so I can't say.

3) The Uniball Fusion (I've been trying to find a link but there isn't one)
Ok... so this is a normal pen, no cool design or mechanism. It also looks pretty normal ... a clear barrel but that's really normal these days. The cool part? The clear gel that's in the clear barrel IS the ink. Yes, it's clear. But when it writes, it's midnight blue (and a really nice shade at that). So, the logical conclusion: chemical reaction... And that's the really exciting thing. (Ok, I'm a nerd.). I'm pretty sure that it's an oxidization reaction and that there is a really careful and clever mechanism by which the barrel is sealed so that no oxygen enters. But the fact that the ink changes color is really cool (and I'm not talking about those really cheesy "magic" markers either). I'm also rather partial to the color: midnight blue (also called blue/black) which I've only been able to find as a fountain pen ink color. (Sidenote: Blue/Black comes in a variety of shades, from the more blue to the more black to a rather awful greenish one. Be careful when you get it and don't get too many cartridges the first time.) The Uniball fusion also comes in a variety of other colors, including some version of red and some version of purple. Also the price, at $2 a pen, is a lot lower than for either of the above pens (even refills for the above pens)... and it writes just as well (although the ink runs out really quickly, I've found)

-- Continued above.

--C.

Ok since I don't have much time, I'm not going to finish the Cool stuff since it takes a while to find those links. In fact I woke up really late (at 7 AM) today so I really don't have much time for any sort of real rant. So I've chosen something from my long list of things to rant about (yes I have a list... it used to be in my head but sleep is such a good amnesiac (thanks, Jim).. so writing it down is the only option.)

Anyway, today's rant: Starbucks. And the fact that they're everywhere. Now, I may be old, close onto 20, but I remember when I left the US at age 12, that there weren't that many Starbucks. No siree, the local coffeeshop was still the place to go... and a coffee and donuts was very much the norm in the mornings (not for me of course). When I left HK, five years later, the first maybe 5 Starbucks had just opened there and Starbucks still couldn't compete with the Pacific Coffee Company, the local equivalent. Now, there are about a million Starbucks here (so it seems)... pretty much like any American street. Now it rivals McDonald's. Now, as a sidenote, the mad expansion of McD's makes sense in HK, whereas that of Starbucks is still a mystery. For McD's, Hong Kong has one of the cheapest McDonalds in the world (The Economist publishes an annual Big-Mac index so I know). Anyway, the point is, a big mac here costs less (in US dollars) than it does in the US but the average income is about the same (if not higher) here. So McD's are popular. Compare that to Starbucks which costs the same (pretty much) in both places.
But I'm not complaining about Starbucks, I like it... It offers a good place to sit down and meet up with friends (because goodness knows I hate the movies) and to talk. And I do that talk thing really really well. In fact I never stop. (You might have noticed.). I just want to know what makes them so successful. Is it their coffee.... really?. Or, the choice... the fact that you can have coffee like you can have a car, with all the right options, power windows, CD changer, sun roof ... just the way you like it. Or the fact that its NOT a drive through... so you still have to get out of your car and make the walk from your parking spot to the corner Starbucks and back to the office... a time to prep yourself for the day... Or is it a carry over from the dot-com craze ... when that's where rich, young execs would conduct million-dollar business transactions. I don't know but it's a phenomenon worth investigating, in my opinion.

OK... got to run...

--C.

So I'm currently listening to my brother practice piano and thusly bored. I could rant about the pressure's put on little children by society these days... but I think I've ranted enough for today. So I'm going to start something which I hope to make a staple of this little rantspace:

Stuff I think is cool:

Now, I often find cool things on the web or otherwise that I think are really cool (or that would interest other people). If I didn't write them down or immediately send the link to someone, I'd forget. And that would be sad.

Anyway today's cool stuff: Pens.

Three pens of note, and a pencil.

1) The Porsche Design pen by Faber-Castell
Starting at the very top of the line... at nearly $200, the amazing pen designed by Porsche Design Studios. Now the pictures hardly do it justice and if you've ever held one of these babies in your hand, you'd know what I mean. It has a pretty good heft to it and writes like a charm. Not only that, the woven metal is flexible and, what's really really cool is that you actually compress the pen to click it (the metal bends to accomodate this). It also comes as a mechanical pencil and a fountain pen and in variations on gold/silver weave. (I personally prefer the all silver...).

2) Cross Pens
These are really cool pens (link lets you see them in 3D).

-- Continued above...

--C.

I'm back. (I don't know why anyone would read this unless they were really really bored.)

First of all... an apology. To everyone who thinks I'm annoying and that I should shut up. I'm sorry. Please tell me next time.

Ok. That said... on with the rant.

Today's rant topic, bad textbooks. Why? (If you have a different idea, e-mail me). Textbooks are so expensive (and if you don't agree, buy mine for me!)... the least they could do is make them educational. I understand that textbooks are meant to supplement the professor's lectures but if the textbook makees no sense by itself then what's the point? ARG. I'm struggling through this godawful textbook right now and I feel like I'm working on some encrypted message or something. Two words: LOGICAL PROGRESSION. I swear, a lot of well written Game clues are much better and easier to understand than this (and they are designed to be cryptic!). I know that I don't write with a logical progression of ideas and that I'm really just rambling... but when you write a textbook, you want other people to understand what you are saying. I swear, it'd be a lot better if you made comprehension a top priority. (Just a note to all you future textbook writers.). Plus, a textbook should be something that you want to keep as a reference and a refresher for all the great stuff that you learned in the class... yes even a class like ChemE 110. If it doesn't make sense, then it's not a good reference, now is it? But there is nothing I can do about it, sadly except accept this fate and maybe gripe about the professor assigning such an awful book.

That said, shutting up now.

--C.

Ok... from now on I'm ranting less. (or at least ranting in Notepad first).
Anyway, I've forgotten what I was ranting about yesterday, which is probably for the better as you don't need to "hear" me talk on and on anyway.

I'd just like to make a few points today (as its already 7AM and my parents are going to be up in less than 10 mins... I should really be off the 'net).

Firstly, a journalistic streak has hit my little brother who is making a family "newsletter" which I'm typing up for hiim. Currently on its second edition, it's full of pithy commentary on the world as seen through the eyes of an 8 year old. (Ok maybe not... but its pretty funny at times.). It can be found here.

Secondly, I need to stop shopping. It is bad for me on many many levels. The most critical right now being that I can't fit everything into the suitcase I came home in. So to (almost) everyone whom I was going to get stuff for in HK, I'm really really sorry... I need to learn to manage my finances (and my luggage space) better. It's just that prices in HK are so much better than in the US and its so hard not to buy when the level of service is as high as it is. Also, I resolve not to spend ANY more money on clothes for the rest of the year. Zip. Nada. None.

Ok... that was rather short but breakfast calls.

--C.

First and foremost, I'd like to say a big

HAPPY EIGHTEENth BIRTHDAY

to Rose Jenkins... it's her birthday (no, really!)... although where she is, it won't be for a little while ... one of the prime benefits of being just west of the international date line is you get a lot of stuff before everyone else.

Stupid blogger deleted the rest of this rant... cus it was too long or something. Sad. And of course I didn't save either. Stupid me.

Don't let the post confuse you... I'm actually enjoying my break .... in most senses... I'm getting a ton of sleep and eating good food and learning lots of stuff for next quarter. If only I got along with my parents better...

And I whine a lot ... naturally.

And a big shoutout to everyone reading this!

I'll blog more during break ... now that I have a way of doing so. You can also IM me... (you all know my IM).

Also check A 2-D Life. I'm trying to get it working and since my computer here is really sucky.. it actually might work for you before it does for me...

--C.

Blogger isn't letting me post a really long rant so I've broken it into two for you... read down ... (I posted the last part first)

I lied... there wasn't an update. My bad... but I've been trying to get a2dlife working and its not been cooperating with me. Anyway... I'm going to blog and let what happens happen. I'm not the tech... Mike is and so I get to dump these problems on him.

Let's see... What is Christmas like in HK?
Pretty interesting... There's the usual slew of Santas in all the big malls, except they're skinny Asian guys who barely fill a small Santa suit, have black hair and wear glasses with those thick plastic frames (that are "in" here), and say "He, he he" with a Chinese accent.... while handing out coupons for some store. The storefront decorations can best be described by "tacky". Take Christmas trees for example: from the 6-10 story tall Christmas trees (which are more baubles and flashing lights and gold ribbon than pine branches) to the 4 ft tall one made entirely of Swarovzki crystals hanging from a golden support (valued and for sale at... HKD 10,000,000... more than a million USD) to the Hello Kitty fiber optic one that flashes various colors and plays barely recognizable Christmas melodies that could easily be mistaken for some new cellphone ring tone. I miss the traditional American Christmas, with the smell of gingerbread and pine and freshly lit fireplaces in the air... rather than the plasticy smell of new toys. I miss snow and it being cold enough to see your breath hanging in the air rather than here where everyone is complaining about the coldest weather in years and its barely below 10C. (Not snow like the NE of the USA though...). I'd even settle for a UK Christmas, with plum pudding (and now that I'm legal, I can buy the one that has brandy and rum in it and light it like a traditional pudding) and Christmas carols (the real kind... not the cheesy American kind) and Christmas crackers (not the food!)...

But currently, I'm under lock-and-key it feels like... I miss home, that's Stanford, like the dickens (heck... I miss our annual high school reading of a Christmas Carol). I miss my friends as a number of them are still in the US and I'm not allowed to spend any time with the ones here anyhow.

In other news, my future is this black hole right now. My parents insist that I do a PhD program somewhere (they're rooting for MIT since its the best but I'm thinking Berkeley or waiting a year and doing Stanford since they're on the west coast and have friendlier departments... MIT's has 50+ faculty!). They're even thinking that I should graduate this year, take a year off and then decide... instead of getting a master's. I'm not so sure... and I really want to stay ... I just started pledging a fraternity for crying out loud!... I can't leave now.

Ok... if I talk any more I'll really start ranting...

Anyway, have a great New Year's... I'll blog again... promise.

--C.

Nope. Blogger still hates me and I can't post long ranty blogs... I'll fix it and talk to y'all later.

--C.

SWEET! So Keenspace hates me and I don't have time to draw a comic everyday anyway so I'm going to try blogging here... I may go back to drawing A 2d Life but then again.. I really don't have the time.. so I don't know... anyway... this is the first post... I'll move the posts from the other blog over here in a sec.

-- C.