Ok one more blog... cus I have a lot of stuff on my mind right now and it really helps to write it down.

I've been having weird dreams lately and its been keeping me up at night. I don't know what they mean and it's really bizarre. So I might be rambling because I'm not sleeping enough anymore... (although I'm still sleeping more that I usually do at school).

Firstly, I feel so incompetent... It's really sad actually. My one main nightmare (and it dominates my thinking whenever I'm in a pensive mood) is that I'm not doing enough of the right thing. For example, when that guy in WV (thanks, mike) won $300M, I wondered what I would do with the money. I'd like to think that I would give it all to organizations and people that mean a lot to me, Phi Psi, APhiO, my parents, my friends, various schools and charities... anyone who is needy I guess... but I'm constantly afraid that I won't be strong enough to do that. That I, in a moment of weakness, would splurge some significant portion on myself. And I feel so guilty inside... it's traumatic.

And I get these dreams where I find I could save someone's life, a friend, a relative... but I just can't... like I could barely reach and if only I were a little taller, had a little more time, worked out a little more, or were a little smarter, I could do it... and I can't. It's been happening a lot lately, I don't know why... and I'm always afraid that someone I know is going to be in an accident soon... and that I could have warned them if I'd been able to understand my dreams. Or that someone is upset and I can't work out what is wrong and keep saying the wrong things... if I'd only been a better listener or paid more attention to them...

It might be because I'm separated from everyone except my parents that I feel this helpless but still.. I've been unable to sleep at night... And I often wish I could just be someone's gaurdian angel... just so I could sit on their shoulder and be there if they get in trouble.

And I guess I'm still worried about what my purpose in life is and where I'm going with it all... because I don't know whether to work hard at school now and maybe neglect others or the reverse and maybe not be as beneficial to society in the future. And I have a need to give things to other people... to make me feel like I am at leat helping some people ... only I worry that its not what they want/need and that I'm too blind to see what they want...

And I'm often confused and lost and uncertain... which is frightening.

--C.