Wow... haven't blogged in a while.
--C.
Tuesday, January 14, 2003
ARG! I need to rant. I have issues with incompetents in positions of power. And I'm not talking about President Bush either.
1) My professor for thermo this quarter is seriously mindnumbingly stupid. I'm sure he's actually really not ... but he just can't teach worth beans. Firstly he makes us take a quiz at the beginning of every class, which has GOT to violate some kind of honor code. Then he proceeds to lecture the material in an order that hardly makes sense.
He uses a model on a system that OBVIOUSLY does not fit it. So I sit there for 10 minutes trying to work out what he's trying to achieve... and then at the end of this long and lengthy process tells us that it doesn't work and that all we did was wrong. Why couldn't he tell us this in the first place, then proceed to work in the hypothetical case of "if it did work" instead of lying to us.
2) Why can't people proofread? Or at least sort things out in their head before they say it. When you write an equation, please make sure it is correct. I'm spending most of my mental capacity correcting errors in the textbook (excusable) written by the TAs (less excusable but still ok) and points made by the prof (very not excusable when you proceed to defend yourself.)
3) The next time I hear someone pronounce French names and phrases the way he does... I might just kill them. "Voilà" is pronounced "Wahller" and Antoine as "An-TOE-in". And the names of the other famous chemists are horribly mangled as well. And even his normal speech sends chills down my back. I'm sure it's an accent thing, and that I'm particularly aware since I still prefer English English, thank you very much... but still. (Side note, I wonder if there is an inherent speech bias, where Austrailian is considered vulgar and English (and not American) is considered upper class.) Anyway I find myself in a pissy mood when I'm in the class... I'm pretty sure it's also a factor of how much he actually cares about us and the material. It's a subtle thing but it's actually really easy for a student to tell when the really doesn't like the class, and if the prof doesn't want to be there, why should the students bother?
4) I think I have a need to learn something in my classes. Otherwise I don't go or sleep through them. I do a subconsious cost-benefit analysis and if there is no cost to sleeping, I just go ahead and do it. This is also why I tend to get low grades in lower-level classes while I'm doing really well in my graduate level classes.
--C.
1) My professor for thermo this quarter is seriously mindnumbingly stupid. I'm sure he's actually really not ... but he just can't teach worth beans. Firstly he makes us take a quiz at the beginning of every class, which has GOT to violate some kind of honor code. Then he proceeds to lecture the material in an order that hardly makes sense.
He uses a model on a system that OBVIOUSLY does not fit it. So I sit there for 10 minutes trying to work out what he's trying to achieve... and then at the end of this long and lengthy process tells us that it doesn't work and that all we did was wrong. Why couldn't he tell us this in the first place, then proceed to work in the hypothetical case of "if it did work" instead of lying to us.
2) Why can't people proofread? Or at least sort things out in their head before they say it. When you write an equation, please make sure it is correct. I'm spending most of my mental capacity correcting errors in the textbook (excusable) written by the TAs (less excusable but still ok) and points made by the prof (very not excusable when you proceed to defend yourself.)
3) The next time I hear someone pronounce French names and phrases the way he does... I might just kill them. "Voilà" is pronounced "Wahller" and Antoine as "An-TOE-in". And the names of the other famous chemists are horribly mangled as well. And even his normal speech sends chills down my back. I'm sure it's an accent thing, and that I'm particularly aware since I still prefer English English, thank you very much... but still. (Side note, I wonder if there is an inherent speech bias, where Austrailian is considered vulgar and English (and not American) is considered upper class.) Anyway I find myself in a pissy mood when I'm in the class... I'm pretty sure it's also a factor of how much he actually cares about us and the material. It's a subtle thing but it's actually really easy for a student to tell when the really doesn't like the class, and if the prof doesn't want to be there, why should the students bother?
4) I think I have a need to learn something in my classes. Otherwise I don't go or sleep through them. I do a subconsious cost-benefit analysis and if there is no cost to sleeping, I just go ahead and do it. This is also why I tend to get low grades in lower-level classes while I'm doing really well in my graduate level classes.
--C.
Thursday, January 09, 2003
So I wrote up the following rant on the plane. I've been meaning to type it up but obviously haven't gotten around to it until just now.
I am sitting aboard an Asiana Air flight to, well, home and I'm constantly impressed by the insane difference one class upgrade makes in the level of service, comfort and let's not forget, food. (I suppose it makes quite an impact on your wallet, too... or your dad's or your dad's corporate account.) I'm not currently able to sleep due to the disturbing staring by some kids in the seat in front so some current musing instead:
Being old enough in most countries to drink, I've availed myself of this right before shortly losing it in the next 9 hours upon passing through immigration into the US. However, upon arrival on campus, I suppose my drinking can recommence uninhibited (well, as long as I don't pass out... and I don't intend to). -- Not that I drink much at all... (honest!). So anyway, after a (small) glass of wine with dinner, I've become rather verbose in a non-verbal, pencil-paper sort of way. Hence this rant. (As an aside, my handwriting is quite awful at this point, not sure if it's the alcohol or the fact that I was writing really fast... I suspect the latter... and general untidyness on my part anyway.)
As I was just served a multi-course dinner, I decided to see how far I could get on pure formal western upperclassness. While I know (thanks largely to my dad) which forks and knives to use, and how to hold them (prongs down, fork always in left hand) -- I was baffled by the many other choices I had to make. I was offered wine with dinner (a choice of five) and having decided previously to partake, I couldn't decide which would go (formally) with the steak I'd ordered. I did remember the old rule, red with red meat and white with fish and poultry but there were three red wines to chose from. In the end, I opted to hold off on the alcohol until the fruit et fromage course.
But come that course, the options for alcohol had expanded to include, port, scotch, rum and some cocktails. It was agonizing trying to make a decision and still look like I knew what I was doing. I'm sure there are books on stuff like this... I guess I need to do some background reading.
And the cheese course in itself was a whole other (pronounced, "nother") adventure. Having expended the Edam to go with the apple slices and the other hard cheese (I'm not sure what it was) on a couple of a rather interesting cracker, I was left with with a slice of pumpernickel and a generous serving of Brie. Now it felt wrong on so many levels to combine the dark German bread with the light French cheese but the alternative was dry bread or some leftover German butter that came with a toasty roll a few courses ago. So, in the end an ironic recreation of the last few hundred years of European history won out. All downed with a glass of American wine to complete the metaphor.
--C.
I am sitting aboard an Asiana Air flight to, well, home and I'm constantly impressed by the insane difference one class upgrade makes in the level of service, comfort and let's not forget, food. (I suppose it makes quite an impact on your wallet, too... or your dad's or your dad's corporate account.) I'm not currently able to sleep due to the disturbing staring by some kids in the seat in front so some current musing instead:
Being old enough in most countries to drink, I've availed myself of this right before shortly losing it in the next 9 hours upon passing through immigration into the US. However, upon arrival on campus, I suppose my drinking can recommence uninhibited (well, as long as I don't pass out... and I don't intend to). -- Not that I drink much at all... (honest!). So anyway, after a (small) glass of wine with dinner, I've become rather verbose in a non-verbal, pencil-paper sort of way. Hence this rant. (As an aside, my handwriting is quite awful at this point, not sure if it's the alcohol or the fact that I was writing really fast... I suspect the latter... and general untidyness on my part anyway.)
As I was just served a multi-course dinner, I decided to see how far I could get on pure formal western upperclassness. While I know (thanks largely to my dad) which forks and knives to use, and how to hold them (prongs down, fork always in left hand) -- I was baffled by the many other choices I had to make. I was offered wine with dinner (a choice of five) and having decided previously to partake, I couldn't decide which would go (formally) with the steak I'd ordered. I did remember the old rule, red with red meat and white with fish and poultry but there were three red wines to chose from. In the end, I opted to hold off on the alcohol until the fruit et fromage course.
But come that course, the options for alcohol had expanded to include, port, scotch, rum and some cocktails. It was agonizing trying to make a decision and still look like I knew what I was doing. I'm sure there are books on stuff like this... I guess I need to do some background reading.
And the cheese course in itself was a whole other (pronounced, "nother") adventure. Having expended the Edam to go with the apple slices and the other hard cheese (I'm not sure what it was) on a couple of a rather interesting cracker, I was left with with a slice of pumpernickel and a generous serving of Brie. Now it felt wrong on so many levels to combine the dark German bread with the light French cheese but the alternative was dry bread or some leftover German butter that came with a toasty roll a few courses ago. So, in the end an ironic recreation of the last few hundred years of European history won out. All downed with a glass of American wine to complete the metaphor.
--C.
Sunday, January 05, 2003
I'm in Korea and let me tell you it is a really cold place. Getting here was nice in the sense that I was flying Business class for the second time in my life and I always forget how awesome the service is each time... Linen tableclothes and a 5 course full ... lunch. (and really really good cheesecake.). But I have a cold and that makes flying miserable... always... as well as leaving my passport on the plane when I got off... which was a little adventure.
But more about Korea... the people seem really nice, although I can't speak a word of korean. Ah well... that's the way it goes. The Technology here is incredible... but you expect that...
Let me give you a few examples of what I've noticed in the oh... 20 minutes I've been here. This will be quick.. my flight boards in 10 mins. The escalators are sensor controlled. The computers come with Natural Keybaords... and are TINY... and have HUGE LCD screens... and the elevators have cool displays and all... fun stuff... OK... boarding call... Talk to you all at Stanford.
--C.
But more about Korea... the people seem really nice, although I can't speak a word of korean. Ah well... that's the way it goes. The Technology here is incredible... but you expect that...
Let me give you a few examples of what I've noticed in the oh... 20 minutes I've been here. This will be quick.. my flight boards in 10 mins. The escalators are sensor controlled. The computers come with Natural Keybaords... and are TINY... and have HUGE LCD screens... and the elevators have cool displays and all... fun stuff... OK... boarding call... Talk to you all at Stanford.
--C.
Saturday, January 04, 2003
Thursday, January 02, 2003
Wednesday, January 01, 2003
I'm no longer in a philosophical mood so the rest of this stuff on this kind of stuff will have to wait.
I'm posting here, if blogger will let me a conversation I had with Dave over AIM after posting the below...
ok... nevermind, blogger doesn't let me.
I'd like to make one last thank you to Dave, Jim, Mike and everyone else who helped me sort things out in my head.
--C.
I'm posting here, if blogger will let me a conversation I had with Dave over AIM after posting the below...
ok... nevermind, blogger doesn't let me.
I'd like to make one last thank you to Dave, Jim, Mike and everyone else who helped me sort things out in my head.
--C.
(continued from below... )
3) My views on existence ARE consistent with a J-C God (Judeo-Christian-Islamic). They are also, hopefully, consistent with a number of other religions, and even atheism. They probably aren't consistent with a number of more interesting philosophies, including existentialism (which I must admit, I really really liked at one point until I couldn't stand it anymore). I'm not saying that they aren't true but they aren't how I chose to live my life. You may all be figments of my imagination but I don't chose to live like you are.
4) A remark. I've been criticized (by my parents) for not using complete sentences. I'm sorry if that annoys you and I'll try to do better.
That said... next installment on moral philosophy soon.
--C.
3) My views on existence ARE consistent with a J-C God (Judeo-Christian-Islamic). They are also, hopefully, consistent with a number of other religions, and even atheism. They probably aren't consistent with a number of more interesting philosophies, including existentialism (which I must admit, I really really liked at one point until I couldn't stand it anymore). I'm not saying that they aren't true but they aren't how I chose to live my life. You may all be figments of my imagination but I don't chose to live like you are.
4) A remark. I've been criticized (by my parents) for not using complete sentences. I'm sorry if that annoys you and I'll try to do better.
That said... next installment on moral philosophy soon.
--C.
I slept well last night for the first time in DAYS. So I guess this ranting is helping... thanks again to all my supportive friends for reading this.
Now that I've had a chance to mull over what I said in previous posts, I'd like to make a couple addenda (I think that's the plural for addendum) and a few remarks.
1) None of what I'm saying is fantastically new. Please don't think that I'm somehow making terribly insightful observations about the world. I'm just selecting points that I've read and forgotten the source to.
2) I don't believe that the only purpose that religion serves is to offer a support or somewhere you can put your faith... It serves a multitude of others, many of which are not as relevant in this day and age, and many which are more so (and the degree to which these purposes are currently relevant determines the success of the religion). For example, religion is sometimes a way of explaining the world (How we got here, why is there a sun... stuff like that), it is (was) a way of controlling behaviour and introducing ethics (If you're bad you have bad things happen to you.), it serves, through ritual, as a means to unite the community and to bring order and discipline to one's life (Islam is a prime example), it also served as a vehicle for the transmission of history (especially so for the Jewish), it was a way (sorry to be cynical) of creating society by enforcing absolute leaders (priests, brahman, ... back in the day, the pharoh), it offered congregation points for the community and lastly it inspires self-reflection (to a certain degree). I'm not saying this list is complete either but you get the point. Contrast this with modern day, where a lot of these functions are split up... the government provides the leaders, science provides the explanation of the world, more and more learned people transmit stories, education provides a good part of the other duties of religion, law provides an enforced ethics. I'm not saying that religion is entirely not relevant these days, only that a number of its original roles have been taken over (especailly by education and science). Religion is still here to serve as a support for those who need that kind of support, a source of community and a basis for ethics (which is sorely lacking sometimes.) But these roles are no longer crucial to the functioning of society and so thus the decline of religion.
-- rest killed by blogger... next post! --
Now that I've had a chance to mull over what I said in previous posts, I'd like to make a couple addenda (I think that's the plural for addendum) and a few remarks.
1) None of what I'm saying is fantastically new. Please don't think that I'm somehow making terribly insightful observations about the world. I'm just selecting points that I've read and forgotten the source to.
2) I don't believe that the only purpose that religion serves is to offer a support or somewhere you can put your faith... It serves a multitude of others, many of which are not as relevant in this day and age, and many which are more so (and the degree to which these purposes are currently relevant determines the success of the religion). For example, religion is sometimes a way of explaining the world (How we got here, why is there a sun... stuff like that), it is (was) a way of controlling behaviour and introducing ethics (If you're bad you have bad things happen to you.), it serves, through ritual, as a means to unite the community and to bring order and discipline to one's life (Islam is a prime example), it also served as a vehicle for the transmission of history (especially so for the Jewish), it was a way (sorry to be cynical) of creating society by enforcing absolute leaders (priests, brahman, ... back in the day, the pharoh), it offered congregation points for the community and lastly it inspires self-reflection (to a certain degree). I'm not saying this list is complete either but you get the point. Contrast this with modern day, where a lot of these functions are split up... the government provides the leaders, science provides the explanation of the world, more and more learned people transmit stories, education provides a good part of the other duties of religion, law provides an enforced ethics. I'm not saying that religion is entirely not relevant these days, only that a number of its original roles have been taken over (especailly by education and science). Religion is still here to serve as a support for those who need that kind of support, a source of community and a basis for ethics (which is sorely lacking sometimes.) But these roles are no longer crucial to the functioning of society and so thus the decline of religion.
-- rest killed by blogger... next post! --
Tuesday, December 31, 2002
(this is a part of a continuing series... I guess you need to read back a few).
... But the question still lingers... what do I think of the existence of a higher being? Well... let's move on to my thoughts on existence and I'll get back to you.
The more I learn, the more I wonder about who I am. I'm sure that is natural... but being a chemist (biochemist?) I'm starting to see myself on so many levels of abstraction. I'm a person, one of a society, made up of a range of organs made up of cells, made up of organelles, molecules, molecular building blocks, atoms, subatomic particles. My actions, thoughts feelings are, on some level nothing more then favorable chemical reactions and synaptic shuffling and on an even lower level the superpositions of lots of probability spaces and quantum interactions. So where do I fit in. What makes me consider myself a complete person. The book A Minds I, provides a pretty comprehensive look at this from various thought-provoking standpoints but I'm not here to repeat it. For me, its a classic "sum is greater than its parts" thing... the question being how many parts do I have to sum? So my existence is really just a lot of quantum states... or is it?
A quick divergence to the existence of fictional characters (Movie goers and general public: think, "The Matrix", for a better reference, if you've read Sophie's World, that's more what I'm talking about.). I firmly believe that fictional characters exist. That is why writers and in particular Tolkien are so amazing to me... they can create universes in their heads, and bring existence to things otherwise unmade. The question is then, are we just some words on a page penned by a higher order being? I don't know. Or may we be just quantum-level calculations by some higher order computer program?
So how does this reflect on my opinons of whether there is a higher being? Well, there might be... the author, so it would be, of the book of the universe. Also, the language of biochemistry strongly suggests that there is a fundemental belief in a higher being... "... enzymes were designed to... " for example. But then again... they try really hard to explain everything as being possible through evolution... It's all a source of great puzzlement to me.
... ok... That said... I'm taking a break...
Next installment.... the longest maybe, will be more coherent.
--C.
... But the question still lingers... what do I think of the existence of a higher being? Well... let's move on to my thoughts on existence and I'll get back to you.
The more I learn, the more I wonder about who I am. I'm sure that is natural... but being a chemist (biochemist?) I'm starting to see myself on so many levels of abstraction. I'm a person, one of a society, made up of a range of organs made up of cells, made up of organelles, molecules, molecular building blocks, atoms, subatomic particles. My actions, thoughts feelings are, on some level nothing more then favorable chemical reactions and synaptic shuffling and on an even lower level the superpositions of lots of probability spaces and quantum interactions. So where do I fit in. What makes me consider myself a complete person. The book A Minds I, provides a pretty comprehensive look at this from various thought-provoking standpoints but I'm not here to repeat it. For me, its a classic "sum is greater than its parts" thing... the question being how many parts do I have to sum? So my existence is really just a lot of quantum states... or is it?
A quick divergence to the existence of fictional characters (Movie goers and general public: think, "The Matrix", for a better reference, if you've read Sophie's World, that's more what I'm talking about.). I firmly believe that fictional characters exist. That is why writers and in particular Tolkien are so amazing to me... they can create universes in their heads, and bring existence to things otherwise unmade. The question is then, are we just some words on a page penned by a higher order being? I don't know. Or may we be just quantum-level calculations by some higher order computer program?
So how does this reflect on my opinons of whether there is a higher being? Well, there might be... the author, so it would be, of the book of the universe. Also, the language of biochemistry strongly suggests that there is a fundemental belief in a higher being... "... enzymes were designed to... " for example. But then again... they try really hard to explain everything as being possible through evolution... It's all a source of great puzzlement to me.
... ok... That said... I'm taking a break...
Next installment.... the longest maybe, will be more coherent.
--C.
Ack.. I'm waxing philosophical. I don't know if that's a good thing... but these thoughts keep running rampant through my head and keeping me from functioning normally. (Well sleeping and carrying out conversation.)
I'll be summarizing my basic beliefs below, I guess... as I try to sort them out in my own head.
To make this comprehensible to everyone who is not me ... I'll break this up: I have a belief system based basically on my thoughts on religion, my thoughts on existance and my thoughts on behaviour (moral philosophy). I guess I'll start with my opinion of religion and work from there... People with strong religious views are cautioned.
Religion.
Firstly, I'm not religious. That is not to say I don't believe in God, or some other higher power, nor am I agnostic really, nor that I DO believe in such a being, but that I don't subscribe to an established religion. There are two fundamental reasons.
One, I want to be able to communicate with the whole world. That is to say, I think it may be easier to understand other people and to empathize with them (on a philosophical level) if you aren't clouded by your own religious beliefs and you can be more receptive to what they have to say. I'm not saying everyone should do this but that it's really important to me personally. Plus it feels like if I take up a religion now, I'd be spurning (at the least) 60% of the world's population.
Two, I find that I'm not religious in my personal definition. What is religion, for me? Well I think of religion as a kind of support, a rock (to use the Christian analogy) that people can turn to when life needs meaning. Like their faith that a higher order is there to hold them up when they fall or that there is inherent justice in the world or whatever. And so as a litmus test, I thought, well what do I use for support and what gives my life meaning? And after much introspection... and this was hard... I decided that it would be my friends first... They've been (and I have faith that they will continue to be) extremely supportive in this time of inner turmoil... and then my family... and lastly, myself (that I know at the very least my cells will continue to do their little thing.. and the atoms will still exist). Meaning in life for me is derived from other people. If I were to only person left in the universe I'd rather be dead. But for me, making others happy is key.
So that's my take on religion...
I'll be summarizing my basic beliefs below, I guess... as I try to sort them out in my own head.
To make this comprehensible to everyone who is not me ... I'll break this up: I have a belief system based basically on my thoughts on religion, my thoughts on existance and my thoughts on behaviour (moral philosophy). I guess I'll start with my opinion of religion and work from there... People with strong religious views are cautioned.
Religion.
Firstly, I'm not religious. That is not to say I don't believe in God, or some other higher power, nor am I agnostic really, nor that I DO believe in such a being, but that I don't subscribe to an established religion. There are two fundamental reasons.
One, I want to be able to communicate with the whole world. That is to say, I think it may be easier to understand other people and to empathize with them (on a philosophical level) if you aren't clouded by your own religious beliefs and you can be more receptive to what they have to say. I'm not saying everyone should do this but that it's really important to me personally. Plus it feels like if I take up a religion now, I'd be spurning (at the least) 60% of the world's population.
Two, I find that I'm not religious in my personal definition. What is religion, for me? Well I think of religion as a kind of support, a rock (to use the Christian analogy) that people can turn to when life needs meaning. Like their faith that a higher order is there to hold them up when they fall or that there is inherent justice in the world or whatever. And so as a litmus test, I thought, well what do I use for support and what gives my life meaning? And after much introspection... and this was hard... I decided that it would be my friends first... They've been (and I have faith that they will continue to be) extremely supportive in this time of inner turmoil... and then my family... and lastly, myself (that I know at the very least my cells will continue to do their little thing.. and the atoms will still exist). Meaning in life for me is derived from other people. If I were to only person left in the universe I'd rather be dead. But for me, making others happy is key.
So that's my take on religion...
Ok one more blog... cus I have a lot of stuff on my mind right now and it really helps to write it down.
I've been having weird dreams lately and its been keeping me up at night. I don't know what they mean and it's really bizarre. So I might be rambling because I'm not sleeping enough anymore... (although I'm still sleeping more that I usually do at school).
Firstly, I feel so incompetent... It's really sad actually. My one main nightmare (and it dominates my thinking whenever I'm in a pensive mood) is that I'm not doing enough of the right thing. For example, when that guy in WV (thanks, mike) won $300M, I wondered what I would do with the money. I'd like to think that I would give it all to organizations and people that mean a lot to me, Phi Psi, APhiO, my parents, my friends, various schools and charities... anyone who is needy I guess... but I'm constantly afraid that I won't be strong enough to do that. That I, in a moment of weakness, would splurge some significant portion on myself. And I feel so guilty inside... it's traumatic.
And I get these dreams where I find I could save someone's life, a friend, a relative... but I just can't... like I could barely reach and if only I were a little taller, had a little more time, worked out a little more, or were a little smarter, I could do it... and I can't. It's been happening a lot lately, I don't know why... and I'm always afraid that someone I know is going to be in an accident soon... and that I could have warned them if I'd been able to understand my dreams. Or that someone is upset and I can't work out what is wrong and keep saying the wrong things... if I'd only been a better listener or paid more attention to them...
It might be because I'm separated from everyone except my parents that I feel this helpless but still.. I've been unable to sleep at night... And I often wish I could just be someone's gaurdian angel... just so I could sit on their shoulder and be there if they get in trouble.
And I guess I'm still worried about what my purpose in life is and where I'm going with it all... because I don't know whether to work hard at school now and maybe neglect others or the reverse and maybe not be as beneficial to society in the future. And I have a need to give things to other people... to make me feel like I am at leat helping some people ... only I worry that its not what they want/need and that I'm too blind to see what they want...
And I'm often confused and lost and uncertain... which is frightening.
--C.
I've been having weird dreams lately and its been keeping me up at night. I don't know what they mean and it's really bizarre. So I might be rambling because I'm not sleeping enough anymore... (although I'm still sleeping more that I usually do at school).
Firstly, I feel so incompetent... It's really sad actually. My one main nightmare (and it dominates my thinking whenever I'm in a pensive mood) is that I'm not doing enough of the right thing. For example, when that guy in WV (thanks, mike) won $300M, I wondered what I would do with the money. I'd like to think that I would give it all to organizations and people that mean a lot to me, Phi Psi, APhiO, my parents, my friends, various schools and charities... anyone who is needy I guess... but I'm constantly afraid that I won't be strong enough to do that. That I, in a moment of weakness, would splurge some significant portion on myself. And I feel so guilty inside... it's traumatic.
And I get these dreams where I find I could save someone's life, a friend, a relative... but I just can't... like I could barely reach and if only I were a little taller, had a little more time, worked out a little more, or were a little smarter, I could do it... and I can't. It's been happening a lot lately, I don't know why... and I'm always afraid that someone I know is going to be in an accident soon... and that I could have warned them if I'd been able to understand my dreams. Or that someone is upset and I can't work out what is wrong and keep saying the wrong things... if I'd only been a better listener or paid more attention to them...
It might be because I'm separated from everyone except my parents that I feel this helpless but still.. I've been unable to sleep at night... And I often wish I could just be someone's gaurdian angel... just so I could sit on their shoulder and be there if they get in trouble.
And I guess I'm still worried about what my purpose in life is and where I'm going with it all... because I don't know whether to work hard at school now and maybe neglect others or the reverse and maybe not be as beneficial to society in the future. And I have a need to give things to other people... to make me feel like I am at leat helping some people ... only I worry that its not what they want/need and that I'm too blind to see what they want...
And I'm often confused and lost and uncertain... which is frightening.
--C.
... continued from below.
In summary, I'd say, I learned a lot. 1) Someone up there knew that I wanted to make my life into a living hell and blessed me with the best, the most supportive friends He could find so that I'd be ok. 2) Sleep is for the weak. I am weak, but I'm sure as hell not going to show it. 3) I'm stupid but at least I have smart friends who can tell me all the answers and not laugh at me. (And Jim and Mark and Mark and Chris who somehow still like me.) 4) Getting up at 4am hurts ... a LOT. That's why I do it so often. 5) Smiling, and laughing with friends are the two best things in the world.
In summary, I'd say, I learned a lot. 1) Someone up there knew that I wanted to make my life into a living hell and blessed me with the best, the most supportive friends He could find so that I'd be ok. 2) Sleep is for the weak. I am weak, but I'm sure as hell not going to show it. 3) I'm stupid but at least I have smart friends who can tell me all the answers and not laugh at me. (And Jim and Mark and Mark and Chris who somehow still like me.) 4) Getting up at 4am hurts ... a LOT. That's why I do it so often. 5) Smiling, and laughing with friends are the two best things in the world.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
It's pretty interesting that, as a world-wide communal (ok, at least for the part of the world that uses the gregorian calendar) holiday, New Years doesn't feel at all like some communal happy this year. The world's on the brink of war and my life has pretty much gone to hell.
Quick year in review: (The memorable stuff)
Winterskol (Snow, tubing, actually having somewhere to sleep). ChemE120A Study sessions (BSL, being hysterical at 3AM, the infamous 25-hour problem sets). CS106A Final project (Jim Van Deventer is a God and Chris Bruner is a saint). The Shad Shrine (oh the horror, the funky horror). Social dance (I suck and I'm not afraid to admit it). Spring break (Going home, cooped up for days, much jetlag... not enough sleep). Screw Your Roommate (Three girls, two guys... choices, choices). Working on Comm169 and winning and feeling pretty much like a loser all 'round. CA Surprise (and the excesses...) Commencement (and running around looking for graduating CAs). Mad dash UHaul move (into summer digs). Summer housing (and Flo Mo food which I really want to forget... and Justin and Grace, my uber-nice roommate and gf). A2dLife... (boy was that shortlived... but fun). Summer job (Making the drugs...). Orientation week (Frosh, and a lot of names). Tutoring... (I'm being PAID to do this?). Rushing PhiPsi (Why did I not do this before?). Studying in the ChemE triple (and sleeping there and eating there... and actually learning stuff and getting the homework right and biking there at 4AM). ChemE 170, 150A, 185A projects (and Mark Gebhard is the best partner ever). 185A (and how that class honestly tried to kill me). My brithday (since when did I get so many friends? I love you all!!). Epiphany (I like biochemistry?) On, and off, and on, and off vegetarianism (currently off). Finals week (and wanting to kill myself and the onset of supreme apathy.). Giving presents (and having my own little Christmas). Coming home (it felt more like going into house arrest). Thinking about the future (what the hell am I doing with my life??). Non-christmas at home (you know, I don't even want to think about it).
... continued above.
It's pretty interesting that, as a world-wide communal (ok, at least for the part of the world that uses the gregorian calendar) holiday, New Years doesn't feel at all like some communal happy this year. The world's on the brink of war and my life has pretty much gone to hell.
Quick year in review: (The memorable stuff)
Winterskol (Snow, tubing, actually having somewhere to sleep). ChemE120A Study sessions (BSL, being hysterical at 3AM, the infamous 25-hour problem sets). CS106A Final project (Jim Van Deventer is a God and Chris Bruner is a saint). The Shad Shrine (oh the horror, the funky horror). Social dance (I suck and I'm not afraid to admit it). Spring break (Going home, cooped up for days, much jetlag... not enough sleep). Screw Your Roommate (Three girls, two guys... choices, choices). Working on Comm169 and winning and feeling pretty much like a loser all 'round. CA Surprise (and the excesses...) Commencement (and running around looking for graduating CAs). Mad dash UHaul move (into summer digs). Summer housing (and Flo Mo food which I really want to forget... and Justin and Grace, my uber-nice roommate and gf). A2dLife... (boy was that shortlived... but fun). Summer job (Making the drugs...). Orientation week (Frosh, and a lot of names). Tutoring... (I'm being PAID to do this?). Rushing PhiPsi (Why did I not do this before?). Studying in the ChemE triple (and sleeping there and eating there... and actually learning stuff and getting the homework right and biking there at 4AM). ChemE 170, 150A, 185A projects (and Mark Gebhard is the best partner ever). 185A (and how that class honestly tried to kill me). My brithday (since when did I get so many friends? I love you all!!). Epiphany (I like biochemistry?) On, and off, and on, and off vegetarianism (currently off). Finals week (and wanting to kill myself and the onset of supreme apathy.). Giving presents (and having my own little Christmas). Coming home (it felt more like going into house arrest). Thinking about the future (what the hell am I doing with my life??). Non-christmas at home (you know, I don't even want to think about it).
... continued above.
Monday, December 30, 2002
And finally... the last part....
Lastly, the pencil.
4) Faber-Castell's Grip 2001 (I think that's what it's called). Again no link.
You'd think there is no improving on the classic pink eraser, yellow #2 pencil (except those cedar ones which smell so great when you sharpen them). Well here's something quite innovative (I think). An artists-quality pencil with a built-in grip that you can sharpen. This pencil is silver and has little (about 1-mm) dots along the length of it that are rubberized. This and the ergonomic triangular shape makes it really really comfortable to hold. And the textured dots are quite striking -- although they don't get in the way at all when sharpening. Like any real artist's pencil there's no eraser at the end. They cost as much as a box of regular art store pencils and are well worth getting. Now if they only came in cedar...
--C.
Lastly, the pencil.
4) Faber-Castell's Grip 2001 (I think that's what it's called). Again no link.
You'd think there is no improving on the classic pink eraser, yellow #2 pencil (except those cedar ones which smell so great when you sharpen them). Well here's something quite innovative (I think). An artists-quality pencil with a built-in grip that you can sharpen. This pencil is silver and has little (about 1-mm) dots along the length of it that are rubberized. This and the ergonomic triangular shape makes it really really comfortable to hold. And the textured dots are quite striking -- although they don't get in the way at all when sharpening. Like any real artist's pencil there's no eraser at the end. They cost as much as a box of regular art store pencils and are well worth getting. Now if they only came in cedar...
--C.
Cool Stuff... continued. (in parts... because blogger hates me.)
2) Cross Pens
These are really cool pens (link lets you see them in 3D).
Now I know there are 4 pens on that page... yeah yeah, so sue me. But they are all really neat in their own little ways. I actually own the "ion" which is neat because it's small enough to attach comfortably to your keychain and you pull out to extend the writing part. I've also heard great things about the morph pen... although I've never had one... so I can't say.
3) The Uniball Fusion (I've been trying to find a link but there isn't one)
Ok... so this is a normal pen, no cool design or mechanism. It also looks pretty normal ... a clear barrel but that's really normal these days. The cool part? The clear gel that's in the clear barrel IS the ink. Yes, it's clear. But when it writes, it's midnight blue (and a really nice shade at that). So, the logical conclusion: chemical reaction... And that's the really exciting thing. (Ok, I'm a nerd.). I'm pretty sure that it's an oxidization reaction and that there is a really careful and clever mechanism by which the barrel is sealed so that no oxygen enters. But the fact that the ink changes color is really cool (and I'm not talking about those really cheesy "magic" markers either). I'm also rather partial to the color: midnight blue (also called blue/black) which I've only been able to find as a fountain pen ink color. (Sidenote: Blue/Black comes in a variety of shades, from the more blue to the more black to a rather awful greenish one. Be careful when you get it and don't get too many cartridges the first time.) The Uniball fusion also comes in a variety of other colors, including some version of red and some version of purple. Also the price, at $2 a pen, is a lot lower than for either of the above pens (even refills for the above pens)... and it writes just as well (although the ink runs out really quickly, I've found)
-- Continued above.
--C.
2) Cross Pens
These are really cool pens (link lets you see them in 3D).
Now I know there are 4 pens on that page... yeah yeah, so sue me. But they are all really neat in their own little ways. I actually own the "ion" which is neat because it's small enough to attach comfortably to your keychain and you pull out to extend the writing part. I've also heard great things about the morph pen... although I've never had one... so I can't say.
3) The Uniball Fusion (I've been trying to find a link but there isn't one)
Ok... so this is a normal pen, no cool design or mechanism. It also looks pretty normal ... a clear barrel but that's really normal these days. The cool part? The clear gel that's in the clear barrel IS the ink. Yes, it's clear. But when it writes, it's midnight blue (and a really nice shade at that). So, the logical conclusion: chemical reaction... And that's the really exciting thing. (Ok, I'm a nerd.). I'm pretty sure that it's an oxidization reaction and that there is a really careful and clever mechanism by which the barrel is sealed so that no oxygen enters. But the fact that the ink changes color is really cool (and I'm not talking about those really cheesy "magic" markers either). I'm also rather partial to the color: midnight blue (also called blue/black) which I've only been able to find as a fountain pen ink color. (Sidenote: Blue/Black comes in a variety of shades, from the more blue to the more black to a rather awful greenish one. Be careful when you get it and don't get too many cartridges the first time.) The Uniball fusion also comes in a variety of other colors, including some version of red and some version of purple. Also the price, at $2 a pen, is a lot lower than for either of the above pens (even refills for the above pens)... and it writes just as well (although the ink runs out really quickly, I've found)
-- Continued above.
--C.
Ok since I don't have much time, I'm not going to finish the Cool stuff since it takes a while to find those links. In fact I woke up really late (at 7 AM) today so I really don't have much time for any sort of real rant. So I've chosen something from my long list of things to rant about (yes I have a list... it used to be in my head but sleep is such a good amnesiac (thanks, Jim).. so writing it down is the only option.)
Anyway, today's rant: Starbucks. And the fact that they're everywhere. Now, I may be old, close onto 20, but I remember when I left the US at age 12, that there weren't that many Starbucks. No siree, the local coffeeshop was still the place to go... and a coffee and donuts was very much the norm in the mornings (not for me of course). When I left HK, five years later, the first maybe 5 Starbucks had just opened there and Starbucks still couldn't compete with the Pacific Coffee Company, the local equivalent. Now, there are about a million Starbucks here (so it seems)... pretty much like any American street. Now it rivals McDonald's. Now, as a sidenote, the mad expansion of McD's makes sense in HK, whereas that of Starbucks is still a mystery. For McD's, Hong Kong has one of the cheapest McDonalds in the world (The Economist publishes an annual Big-Mac index so I know). Anyway, the point is, a big mac here costs less (in US dollars) than it does in the US but the average income is about the same (if not higher) here. So McD's are popular. Compare that to Starbucks which costs the same (pretty much) in both places.
But I'm not complaining about Starbucks, I like it... It offers a good place to sit down and meet up with friends (because goodness knows I hate the movies) and to talk. And I do that talk thing really really well. In fact I never stop. (You might have noticed.). I just want to know what makes them so successful. Is it their coffee.... really?. Or, the choice... the fact that you can have coffee like you can have a car, with all the right options, power windows, CD changer, sun roof ... just the way you like it. Or the fact that its NOT a drive through... so you still have to get out of your car and make the walk from your parking spot to the corner Starbucks and back to the office... a time to prep yourself for the day... Or is it a carry over from the dot-com craze ... when that's where rich, young execs would conduct million-dollar business transactions. I don't know but it's a phenomenon worth investigating, in my opinion.
OK... got to run...
--C.
Anyway, today's rant: Starbucks. And the fact that they're everywhere. Now, I may be old, close onto 20, but I remember when I left the US at age 12, that there weren't that many Starbucks. No siree, the local coffeeshop was still the place to go... and a coffee and donuts was very much the norm in the mornings (not for me of course). When I left HK, five years later, the first maybe 5 Starbucks had just opened there and Starbucks still couldn't compete with the Pacific Coffee Company, the local equivalent. Now, there are about a million Starbucks here (so it seems)... pretty much like any American street. Now it rivals McDonald's. Now, as a sidenote, the mad expansion of McD's makes sense in HK, whereas that of Starbucks is still a mystery. For McD's, Hong Kong has one of the cheapest McDonalds in the world (The Economist publishes an annual Big-Mac index so I know). Anyway, the point is, a big mac here costs less (in US dollars) than it does in the US but the average income is about the same (if not higher) here. So McD's are popular. Compare that to Starbucks which costs the same (pretty much) in both places.
But I'm not complaining about Starbucks, I like it... It offers a good place to sit down and meet up with friends (because goodness knows I hate the movies) and to talk. And I do that talk thing really really well. In fact I never stop. (You might have noticed.). I just want to know what makes them so successful. Is it their coffee.... really?. Or, the choice... the fact that you can have coffee like you can have a car, with all the right options, power windows, CD changer, sun roof ... just the way you like it. Or the fact that its NOT a drive through... so you still have to get out of your car and make the walk from your parking spot to the corner Starbucks and back to the office... a time to prep yourself for the day... Or is it a carry over from the dot-com craze ... when that's where rich, young execs would conduct million-dollar business transactions. I don't know but it's a phenomenon worth investigating, in my opinion.
OK... got to run...
--C.